Trying to Take the High Road

You know that sick-to-your-stomach, deep down ache? I'm so tired of it. I'm not sure how to make it go away except to keep moving forward, reaching for my goals and being the best Mom I can be in the process. I try so hard every day to do whats right and leave the world a happier, better place behind me. Certainly not always successfully! But I throw myself into it and choose to put myself out there. And it hurts when others make it clear they find me lacking. Perhaps still remnants of so many years trying to make everyone happy- but I also believe that as humans, we thrive on acceptance and
love. Thus it would only make sense for a lack of acceptance and/or love to leave a person feeling pretty crummy.

In many ways, as much as I hate the prejudice I encountered, it helped me to think creatively. I looked outside the box and considered options that weren't designed to make people happy but rather to decide what was in the best interest of my kids, what was best for me. And the results so far surprised me. I successfully found a creative solution that also gave a beautiful person I don't always agree with a well-deserved place in my children's lives. And when I set that plan in motion, I was able to smile and feel the 'right-ness' of it.

Soul Freedom by Michelle Wiarda

Its hard to see what the best options are because I know right now my vision is clouded with pain. All of me wants to pack up my car in the middle of the night and just leave town. Try to find a fresh start. But it would be the equivilent of flouncing out the door just to make a statement. Rather than trying to make a statement prejudiced people are going to find silly anyway, its better for me to revise some of the ways I was going to try to reach my goals and do it right. I'll still walk away. But I'll do it with my head held high and a smile on my face.

I'm still trying to answer so many of those big questions that have plagued me for a while. The main one being, in what area of the world do I want to make my home? If I could just figure that out then my goals would be so much easier to chase!

Predators aren't Obviously Predators

 When my daughter was 13 she was in a chatroom designed for young people: Animal Jam. Apparently while she was there, despite my having had many conversations about what type of information is okay versus not okay to give people online, she met a guy and struck up a relationship. By the time I found out about it they were communicating via telephone and skype as well as chatrooms and e-mail.

I got the guy's phone number, added his facebook account to my "friends" and raked him over the coals. He was 19 when he "met" my 13 year old daughter in Animal Jam and struck up a relationship. His facebook page was very open, sharing information about where he worked, who his family is, etc. I checked up on those things to confirm he was a real person. He looked like a normal guy. 

Talking with him, he seemed a very naive and lonely guy. He didn't really have friends and had never had a relationship offline. He claimed to be deeply in love with my daughter and willing to wait for her to grow up. Said he just wanted to be friends until then. Since he was being so open with me, I decided to allow the relationship on a platonic level. 

Now he is 20 and she is 14. He told his family about my daughter and they requested that I write a letter stating I was aware of their relationship, approved, and would not legally pursue him for the relationship. I also intercepted some rather racy texts. It was at this time that I sent the following message to his mother and a copy to both my daughter and him:

Hello (name withheld),

I am sending a copy of this communication to both (names withheld) at the same time that I will send this to you.

My name is XXXX, I’m XXXX’s Mom. XXXXmet her in a child’s chatroom when she was 13. He obtained her contact information and began a romantic relationship with her via the internet. This was kept secret from me for some time. When I found out, I immediately obtained your son’s contact information and had a chat with him. During that discussion and a later discussion with my daughter, I made it clear that I was not okay with anything more than an innocent relationship. As it was, I found the way he met her to be creepy.

Recently a message came through on XXXX's phone where they were texting about each other’s crotches. XXXX has also gotten very secretive and protective of her laptop and cell phone. When asked about XXXX, she gets very tight-lipped. This is all quite normal for a 14 year old young lady! But- it is not acceptable when she is in a relationship with an adult male.

I was informed that your family wished to have a letter from me in which I would condone the relationship and give written permission. This tells me that you are all clearly aware of his online dating choices- which can only be described as comparable to a sexual predator. It is sad to me that his family would be aware of and seem to support this behavior. Thus, this note can serve as a very clear indication that is I should at any time find he has stuck even the tip of his toe over legal lines, I will press charges. If at any time I learn he is in possession of any pictures of XXXX in a state of undress or provocative poses I will turn him in for possession of child pornography.

I recognize that there are rare occasions in which people meet at a young age and have a very long, happy relationship. If, as they have indicated to me, this is the case then XXXX will need to back way off and XXXX will need to increase her maturity level enough to be transparent about their communications.

His mother indicated that she had been encouraging her son to end the relationship as my daughter is too young. But she said she hoped we could "work with the kids". That term concerned me. Clearly she still considers her adult son to be a kid and not expecting him to take full responsibility for his actions. Also disturbing is the message I got from this predator in response to my message:

Hey, XXXX it's XXXX... I just wanted to talk to you to tell you that I apologize for the outcome of things.. It wasn't what I intended when we got together to be a sexual predator, and I am sorry that our association had come off in that manner... I am a real man with goals and purposes higher than that of a sexual predator, but... I suppose maybe.. Right now... XXXX just needs friends, and maybe.. That is someone that I could be. I apologize greatly, she means a lot to me, a lifetime... I suppose it's just not the right time. I was listening to my heart, but perhaps a little more mind next time.

Again, I thought hey- if this guy really does care about my daughter and if he is capable of backing WAY off... who am I to stand in the way of true love? It's unlikely but... So I said I would allow the relationship to continue if it was done on a very platonic level and my daughter was open and honest with me. This morning my daughter immediately lied to me and I learned there are, in fact, potential pictures out there of my daughter undressed.

With the ringing of my daughter's wails and sobs and begging for another chance ringing in my ears, I contacted both this male and his mother. I clearly indicated that any image need to be destroyed immediately as it is child pornography and if he so much as sends my daughter a text I will contact the police. It was intriguing to see how quickly the mother distanced herself from her own son. For his part, he tried to call my but I did not answer. The thought of even talking with this creep makes my skin crawl. So he sent a message promising to delete everything right away, get rid of all of her phone numbers and contact info, and block her on facebook. I did not reply. I can only hope my very real threat has put enough fear in him that he will not prey on other young ladies and will leave my daughter alone.

My girl is unlikely to even understand that what happened is not her fault, that he was a predator for many years. As a parent, its hard to step up and put my foot down but I really wish I'd done it sooner. My daughter is going through her first heartbreak. Its hard to watch and know all I can do is keep reassuring her of what a loveable, normal, beautiful young lady she is. Well, that and a Doctor Who marathon with lots of chocolate and snuggling!

I let her siblings know the basics of what was going on. And found my oldest daughter's response to this situation to be terrifying: "But Mom, he doesn't look like a predator.... usually they're weird looking middle aged men". No, they aren't. Sometimes they are but I did a bit of research. According to This Article "There was a significant increase in arrests of young adult offenders, ages 18 to 25." This means the sexual predators out there of this age are increasing. The most common age of their victims are 13-15.

Now what? Its happened. I'll be monitoring things a lot more closely. But the most important thing its taught me is that my daughter needs to be innoculated against the crap a predator is going to spew. There are studies done on how to educate our daughters- and thats what I need to study. I'm going to engage her counselor in this endeavor. I turned the information about the young man who took advantage of my girl over to her uncles, grandfathers, and father. If I was able (lived closer) I would have already been on his front door giving him a good knuckle sandwich and confiscating his computer and any other device that might have been used to contact my girl! But her father never has been known for having balls.

Links that may be of interest:

http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-632111.pdf

http://www.childluresprevention.com/research/profile.asp

http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/CV194.pdf

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/safe/predator.html

https://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/infobrochures/sexual_offenders.pdf

A Zillion Little Opportunities

a long, monotonous process

I was laying in bed last night pondering this post and had the perfect title picked out, excellent wording... why does that always happen as I am drifting off? Alas, my ability to pluck ideal words from thin air will not be as fabulous as at least they seemed last night but hopefully the idea behind it all will still be clear!

The concept- or more accurately, battle, I have been pondering is that of making big changes in life. We all have negative things that if we aren't struggling with then we really should be. I've met some folks who are healthy and their vices aren't controlling their lives... but they're asshats. So even they (while they won't identify themselves when reading this due to said asshattery) have a major thing they ought to be struggling with to improve their lives.

I disagree. Unless what you want is healthy...

Its easy to look at the big problem and say we're going to make the change. We're going to take those necessary steps because that end goal looks damned good. But each of those changes is a journey and each of those journeys is chock full of incredibly difficult little steps/opportunities. A good example would be when I quit smoking. I'd tried so many times in the past and even been successful for a year or two! But it was not so simple as to just say "that's it, I'm done." Even now, three years later, I find myself with tempting opportunities, moments when all I can think of is how very good it felt to just toss responsibility to the wind and indulge myself. The urge is so strong- but thankfully the moments now come further and further apart.

It was when I looked closely at what, for me, is the great temptation that I recognized something about myself and my addictions. Its not as much about the action itself as it is about a moment in time- no matter how brief, when I can toss responsibility and concern aside and just do what I wish with no regard for consequences. Light bulb moment: isn't that what all addictions are like? Taking a gamble, excessive shopping, drowning one's self in alcohol, smoking, drugs, overeating, being an asshat... it gives a bit of a rush, a good feeling. If I could manage to vary my little rushes without any one thing taking control then there wouldn't be an issue.

It makes tackling my current issue no less easy but offers some clarity of thought, encouragement for the long road ahead that seems so impossible. I'm not just making a big change. I'm going to have to choose a zillion times that that end goal is more important to me than the strong desire to just forget, to lose myself for a moment.

Watch Out: It's the Knitting Bandit!

In order to appreciate the little anecdote I've come in here to share, you'll need a wee bit of background information.

Me. Of course.

My little 17 lb. chihuahua mix has been missing for more than a month. There were no sightings at all for a couple of weeks and then BAM: 4 sightings in 3 days from the same general area. My dog was abused as a baby and then spent the next portion of his life living under a bridge and trying to attack anything that drove over it (yes, the troll under the bridge). It took animal control two weeks of avid trapping to finally catch the little guy and then quite a bit of time at the shelter to get him to emerge from his shell at all.

When I heard his story I knew he was exactly the 4-legged companion I was searching for. I adopted him sight-unseen and brought him home. It took over a week of coaxing to get him to use the bathroom outdoors (a nightmare time for those of us who had to clean up behind him!) and he did not know how to even play like a dog. My cat taught him. So, he plays like a cat. He ended up choosing me as his person and would only allow me to pet him- even then, only if he laid close beside me.

Alexander still tolerated me

We've gotten closer over the time I've had him (a couple of years) but he still has a special hatred for anyone other than me and leashes in general. But, he is very good at surviving in the wild- as he has proven yet again! In all of the sightings he has been reported to be well fed and moving fast. The struggle, of course, is that he will only come to me and he is very elusive. Thus, the solution is to get myself in a place where he can smell and hear me at the same time that he is in that area.

This brings us up to this morning when I decided it was a lovely, sunny day and just perfect for packing up my knitting and a chair and planting myself in various places around the area he's been haunting while calling for him. To make the experience even more exciting- it was recommended that I go without a shower so he would be more likely to smell me. So there I was, in all my odoriffic glory, kicking back with my knitting at the side of a road and calling for him periodically. Many people drove by or were out in their yards while studiously ignoring me. Finally a woman walked by with some kids and asked how I was doing. I told her what I was up to, described my dog, and she said they would keep an eye out. One of the girls she was with said that she had seen Alexander in her backyard and that she lived further down the street.

sharp, pointy weapons of terror

So after about an hour, I moved further down, found a place right by the street and far away from houses (in hopes of not encroaching on anyone's territory) and set up with my knitting and calling again. About fifteen minutes into this I noticed a short, aggressive looking woman stalking toward me while puffing angrily on her cigarette: "What is this? Do you just go about town plopping your ass on people's properties and knitting?" In this moment I had a choice... and looking back, part of me wishes I had made the irresponsible one: to reply that indeed, that is how I get my thrills mwahahaha! Then load up my stuff and drive away without another word. If I had gone that route then it would have given me a good laugh and maybe she would have felt like a jerk later when her daughter and neighbors told her what I was really doing. But no. I am far too responsible for my own good.

So I tried to tell her what I was doing and soothe her by packing up my knitting and chair, assuring her I would find a different area to look. She was not soothed. Not at all. In fact, when she heard that a young skating girl had mentioned seeing Alexander in her backyard, she turned her attack on said young lady. It turned out that this girl is her six year old daughter. After berating that poor child (I couldn't get a word in) she turned on me, belittling me for listening to a six year old (she really was not hearing my repeated assertions that multiple people had spotted him here) and then told me to just go back to my knitting, she would move herself and her kids to the backyard.

I should return and knit her trees sweaters for revenge

I packed up my stuff and just left as fast as I could. Whet did she think I was going to do? Hurt her and her kids with my knitting needles? But more importantly, I felt bad for the little girl. She sounded far more reasonable than her mother and didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. I was hoping if I left, her mom would forget her anger faster.

Maybe if I wafted my armpits about I would have had beeter luck finding Alexander... (and keeping away psycho-bitch!)

Vegetable Soup.

Vegetable soup.

I don't know about you, but when I read those words I cringe. It does not sound like dinner and if someone invited me over and announced that was what we were having, I'd figure on needing a real dinner later! 

But I'm trying something new. My knee had hit a point where the improvement had stopped. I could just shrug my shoulders and get some pain medications and plan to use a cane for the rest of my life- but that isn't in me. So I found a book called Clean Cuisine. That part of the title didn't appeal (ugh. Another diet book? As if the world needs more...) but it was further labeled an anti-inflammatory diet. Perfect for trauma induced arthritis! While reading, it appears as though there is good potential that following a 'clean' eating program would also help with other health issues I'm facing. I had no idea inflammation was responsible for so many issues in the human body!

In a nutshell it says move more, eat more fruit and veggies, eat less meat, and replace processed foods with whole grains. Oh, and of course: no sugar! So yes, there is more to it than that but like I said: nutshell. For a carnivore such as myself the idea of eating less meat is far less appealing than those high protein diets. But I like the idea of a kinder way of eating and the science makes sense. So, this brings us back to the dreaded vegetable soup. 

For those like me who wonder what the heck a fennel bulb looks like.

I'm in week one of trying new recipes and decided to dive right in by making The Easy Vegetable Soup Recipe. I did adjust a couple of things- since I couldn't find collards I used swiss chard and since this was dinner and I like it a bit more filling, I increased the broth to six cups and added a couple cups of cooked barley. The kids were seriously unimpressed (my son mainly because of the lack of meat) but me? Wow! Its got some zest to it, its colorful, its filling, and I didn't miss the meat. I'll do a couple things differently next time to cut cost. I'll be omitting the fennel (that sucker was $5!) and replacing the red pepper with a green one. I'll also add mushrooms for texture...

And there we have it. I won't turn this into a recipe blog but when I find something this fantastic? Gotta share it. 

Searching for my Faithful Friend

My dog went missing a little more than a week ago. I knew I loved him. But I hadn't realized just how much, nor had I realized how much I depended on him. For a small creature he had a big job! He was my companion, especially now that the kids are older and its so uncool to go to the beach and various parks and hang out with Mom. He was a persistent snuggler- I am not a fan of warm furry little bodies snuggling close to me but he insisted upon it and guess what? He won. In fact, he managed to monopolize the majority of my queen size bed. He has me so well train that I still stick to my side of it!

It is the little things that add up and leave me now a sleepless wreck. Every time I would stand he would dance about, so very excited at the prospect of whatever nonsense we were about to do. Any food I wasn't keen on he was happy to assist in making disappear. And when bedtime came he would dance ahead of me down the hall, making sure I was following, then snuggle in as soon as I got settled. In the mornings I still wake confused at not seeing him bouncing around next to me, excited to start a new day. How could I not waken and get the day going when greeted with such joy?

Its not that he is perfect- far from it. But as seems to be the case in relationships, it is those imperfections that make him uniquely him and in a delightfully strange way- perfect.

Since he has disappeared I do not know if he is alive or dead. I do not know if he has a place to sleep and food to eat. I know he is a touch, brave little guy- before I adopted him he lived under the bridge in Anchor Point (like a little troll). Somehow he survived through that time. Its possible he is surviving now. But I have his advertised on the radio, flyers hung and passed out around town, pictures and description in with animal control and all the local vets. There are a few possible sightings but none in the last few days.

Which leads to the big questions in my mind now. I do not want to be unfaithful to his memory and put my energies toward "getting over" his loss. What if he is found tomorrow? And I cannot keep going with so little sleep, this constant, urgent need to comb the woods and streets for him, the persistent worry for his well-being. There has to be a happy medium, I simply have not found it yet.

There are a lot of scary potential tales out there: several days ago a larger dog who had been missing was found in Nikiski. He had been tied up and beaten to death. There are rumors of people in town with baited traps who take animals far away from town to release them (a sick hobby?). In Fairbanks there was a huge increase in the number of missing pets to the point that the police got involved. They discovered a man who was abducting the beloved family members in order to skin them. He kept the pelts and have a giant dumpster full of the poor animal's carcasses. An eagle would be very capable of hauling away an animal Alexander's size and there are reports of giant owls in the immediate area who are killing small dogs and eating them on the ground. Then of course we have the ravens. Not something I would expect to be an issue: but they have been spotted ganging up on larger dogs and pecking them to death. I can only imagine what the poor creatures would have to do to offend the ravens to that point. And of course, the bears are waking from hibernation.

I want to be there for my dog. But I also need to find a way to sleep and get out of this horrid funk.

Make this the Best Mother's Day Ever!

I keep seeing ads for Mother's Day. And the tag lines are always much like the title of this blog.

Make this the best mother's day ever!

 Give her the gift she deserves!

Show her you love her with [insert whatever they're selling here]...

I realize not all mothers are going to feel the same way I do, but allow me to speak for the majority of mothers in the world when I say we would much rather have the gift of you being the best version of you than any tangible gift available. Spending a bunch of money or making breakfast in bed is far easier than investing in one's self.

I have some of my favorite mother's day gifts hanging on my walls and surrounding me. A clay butterfly, painted garish red with pipe cleaner antennae; an imitation Monet (painted years ago), a variety of small clay pots and vases, an animal print furry pillow carefully stitched... But when I look at those beautiful and cherished things, it is not the thing itself that makes it cherished: it's the memory of those chubby arms around my neck while they proudly presented me with the gift they'd labored over.

Now my kids are getting older and they stress over what to buy me. Flowers, foot rubs, etc. They are all really nice and really appreciated. In fact, today I found out that my oldest (who is far too like me and can't keep this sort of secret to save her life) is going to be driving all night with her friend in order to get home from college for the Summer on Mother's Day. I'm touched and excited beyond words!

Tonight I came across a couple of things that got me thinking. First I was chatting with a friend about how hard its going to be when my oldest goes to study abroad. She will be so far away and yet, I know it will be a dream come true for her so I encourage it wholeheartedly. And then I came across the ads... It set me to thinking: I would rather my daughter study abroad and wake each morning thinking "damn life is good!" than buy me anything. I'd rather she call me up on Mother's Day and tell me about her adventures. I'd rather my son get his driver's permit and my youngest daughter finish another standard in school. Why? Because that means I've done my job as a Mom.

My goal was never to raise three young people who adored me (although that is a lovely side effect!). My goal is to not only raise three productive members of society but three people who chase their dreams and become the best versions of themselves they can be; who really live life.

A uterus cake. What Mom wouldn't want this?

Naturally this made me think about my mother and I. What would she want for mother's day? I haven't done a real good job of diving in and living. Of being the best version of me that I can. I'm plodding forward and trying- but I know I can do more. So, I'm going to give my mother the best gift I can this year and in the years to come. I'll tell her I'm thankful and give her a hug if I'm living close enough to do so. But most importantly, I'm going to amp up my goal chasing. She doesn't have to know its in part for her. She won't need to any more than I need my kids to tell me. She'll just be damned glad to see it and feel honored on Mother's Day.

Make Your Own Laundry Soap (and soap someday?)

In my little quest to use less toxins AND spend less money I came across the idea of making one's own laundry soap. I had intriguing images of myself slaving away over a hot stove and sprinkling in bits of fairy dust only to have a poor working detergent and irritable kids with scratchy skin. Not that I'm a pessimist... but lets face it, do-it-yourself generally= more work. And some more natural products are also less effective.

But nothing ventured nothing gained, right? And thus began my search for the perfect recipe and the washing of clothes to test said recipe. After some fun adventures (sadly none involved fairy dust), I present to you what I consider to be a laundry soap that is not only easy to make and works super- it is also far less expensive than it's pre-made counterpart.

First you need a food processor. It's either that or spend a lot of time grating (not as much fun or as easy... obviously!) If you have a food processor than chop a fels-naptha bar into chunks and drop it in the food processor. Process the crap out of it until it's all about the size of small gravel. Very small gravel. It doesn't take too long. If you are grating then use a zest grater and grate that bar!

here's what the final product should look like

Add 1 cup of washing soda and 1/2 cup of borax. Mix it all up good and technically you've made it!

If you're like myself and would appreciate some scent then choose your favorite essential oil and add a few drops then mix very well.

A large load will need about 1 tablespoon of detergent- if its a super nasty bunch of clothes then go ahead and double that.

Personally, I found it to be fun to put in a pretty container with a tablespoon measure in the laundry room. No more giant ugly bins of detergent! You can make big batches ahead and only have the thrill of making the detergent a few times each year.

Store it with the measuring spoon

Another of my concerns had been that the ingredients would be expensive or difficult to find. I'll be honest here: I'd never heard of washing soda or fals-naptha. But here's the cool part: I found all three nestled together in the laundry soap aisle at Walmart. They were way cheaper than anything else in that aisle but you've got to have a hawk eye- they do like to hide the less expensive products  where our eyes aren't drawn to!

So now we've all got an exciting, fun new recipe to try! Next I am planning to tackle the making of soaps. I've found so many soap making recipes online and am getting ready to dive in and start trying them out. One concern I have is that all the recipes require a person to use PROTECTIVE GEAR in the making of it! Since I'm trying to get away from harsh, abrasive things, this seems counter productive. But so far I've yet to find a recipe that only has ingredients that are safe. Anyone have any advice or favorite recipes?

Testing the Water

I decided it was time to dip my toes into the dating scene and see how the water felt. Results? The water is murky, slimy, and (I am quite certain) pure poison. Okay, I am sure that there are good men out there. However, they appear to be hiding from me and quite frankly, I'm not sure I have it in me to go out hunting for them!



Two blind dates- one of which ended with my delightful date in a drunken stupor and the other which ended as abruptly as I could manage- and him asking me for a ride him.... I refuse to accept any and all blind dates in the future!
Than there was a guy who was so handsome... I could have just looked at him all day. Exactly my sort of guy appearance-wise! Until he opened his mouth. So incredibly boring that I could not bear to continue any sort of relationship.

I suppose it says something about me that the only guy I continue to hold out any hope on is one who has some fairly major mental health issues- and chooses not to medicate. He's unique and keeps me guessing. And most of the time I wonder what on earth I'm doing with him... until out of nowhere an incredibly intelligent conversation will emerge or he will do something so sweet it leaves me all melty. He also scores points for constantly wanting to be moving (a result of his mental health issues) and finding carpentry and repairs to be fun. He would be quite the handy man to have around! Not to mention his hunting and fishing skills. And we share remarkably similar goals for the future. We're just working on building a friendship at this point and that sure works for me.

I'd really thought a man from my past would be THE one. But despite what he says, his lack of active interest tells me he is not. If he was then he would at least be communicating in some manner. Honestly that is the biggest sadness- but also a positive thing to finally know. To start actively and aggressively eradicating those hopes and thoughts that involved him. It will take time but I need to adjust my view of him from being a potential mate to just friendship.

All in all, this dating game may be a bit over my head still. And the really cool thing is that I'm okay with that. I'm fairly content being single and I choose not to "settle".

Avoidance

It's always so much easier to notice an issue if I see it in someone else. So recently I viewed a marathon of hoarders and animal hoarders on Netflix and found myself getting increasingly frustrated by the selfishness of the hoarders, their avoidance of the issues... and having to remind myself that is part of the illness. It took some more episodes but I began to compare my mental health (and other issues in my life) bluntly with selfishness and avoidance and discovered some horrifyingly embarrassing and worrisome similarities.

I give myself some credit for knowing that I have these issues. That is always the first step, right?! But then resolving problems requires action. I would imagine these issues would not be such big issues if taking the actions needed to resolve them were simple or in my nature to do. Nevertheless it is a sobering realization when I look at the truth that my poor choices and inability to actually take the steps toward healing impacts the people around me- especially my kids.



Its easy to say I am going to take steps. Easy even to intend to. But, just like in the show, even when the people know that professional organizer is coming you can always see a moment of shock and horror on their faces when the process actually begins. More than once I even heard one of them say they had not actually thought they would have to do it... they'd thought it was just for the camera.

So why does there seem to be such a huge chasm between the decision/knowledge that an action needs to take place and the actual performance of said action?

And how does a person know which issue to tackle first? Goodness knows I have plenty to choose between. Then, how does a person get the change to stick? I have heard and read in some places that performing something at least once a day for thirty days will form a habit, but elsewhere I have read 107 days. Most days I just get so frustrated or overwhelmed I avoid dealing with any of it.

Small steps. Baby steps. It reminds me of that movie 'What About Bob' (great show if you haven't seen it!) and yet again, it sounds so very easy... but why are those baby steps so very difficult to take?

Tooth Fairy

At some point my younger sister told her kids that I was the tooth fairy and I played along. Naturally (because I was involved) this has evolved into a seriously exciting event each time one of her four hooligans loses a tooth.

They've had me describe my fairy outfit for them because I told them pink spandex and sparkles are vital to the important job of sneaking around a house. And the tutu? Well that's just because I'm a girl of course. But I have special sparkly fairy dust for if they happen to waken (to make them forget) and a pink sparkly wand with a giant gleaming tooth at the end.

Today my nephew lost a tooth and was told he better call his Auntie to make sure my tooth alert machine was working properly. He was also deeply concerned about making sure I knew which room he was sleeping in now and that the new puppy likes to sleep with him so I should bring treats for her. There has been much speculation on his and his sister's minds about what I do with the teeth I gather. Of course I told him I make myself lovely necklaces and like to jiggle them around in my hand because they make a cool noise but quite frankly, I was still half asleep and couldn't come up with very many ideas! Lucky for me, they had some. They felt I should sell them to dentists so they could make dentures and that would mean I could pay the tooth losers more money. Smart kids there. They obviously take after their Auntie.

My First Firing

I don't know- do other people find this sort of thing to be a really big, kind of scary deal?? Whether they do or not, I had to fire someone today and it was a big deal for me.

I had some misgivings about hiring her but her previous place of employment and other references were fantastic so I gave it a shot. Her first day she was 31 minutes late. Thirty-one minutes on your first day?? It sounds like she doesn't really want to be there! She then proceeded to bad mouth one employee (who happened to be her trainer) to another employee. And to frost her little cake of do-not-do-at-work-things, she argued policy with a lady trying to train her... in front of a customer! I was concerned but really wanted to try to make it work- until this morning when I discovered she had been 19 minutes late and was not meshing well at all with the other ladies.

So the deed had to be done. I kept it short and sweet, tried to be diplomatic but blunt and just cited the reality that she had been working for us for two days and had been late both days. Since we need people who are dependable it was clear this was not going to work out.

So here is the part that shocked me: she was stunned by this! How on earth can a person think it is at all okay to show up at a new job, argue with coworkers, talk when they should be working, and most of all- show up late??!

Regardless I was real sad to have to do it. I hated that look in her eyes when she realized what I was doing. Crap happens in life but it sure isn't fun to be the one to deliver said crap.