Questioning

There is a difference between religion and beliefs. I was raised kind of religiously, but with strong beliefs in God, the Bible, etc. So I have never felt a strong pull to religious organizations but over the last few years have begun to genuinely question everything I believe about life; to examine those beliefs and decide if they are ones I, as an individual choose to believe or if they are beliefs I feel I "have to" believe but deep down do not. That was quite a mouth full. 

Here are some of the questions I believe I have a right to wonder about:

Since God is all-powerful, why is he not making himself known in my life? If he did, I'd quit questioning. 

Does God really find homosexuals to be an abomination? It contradicts other teachings in the Bible. So if we do take the Bible at face value then it would mean it is contradicting itself and would thus have to be considered invalid. 

Scientifically it has been proven that the earth is millions of years old. Why does this not line up with what the Bible says?

There were a lot of scrolls found with ancient writing. But only some were printed and considered to be part of the Bible. Why? Who got to choose? Why should I believe a book that is only partially printed? 

The Bible says I have to forgive everyone. And somehow God will give me the strength to do that. When I was believing strongly I tried to forgive but it hasn't happened. 

I keep being told that if God is not speaking to me or revealing himself then it is because of a fault of mine. So, do we have to be in a perfect place mentally in order for him to speak? And if so, they why would we bother? We would already be perfect. 

I'm not saying I believe in nothing. I am saying I have questions and so far the answers that make sense have come from the side of science. Believers tell me to trust and have faith. I trusted and had faith for many years but I do not believe it's wrong to have questions.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve! For my family it's a day filled with growing excitement and honoring traditions. Over the years the traditions have had to change with the growing children, but hints of them still remain. Other traditions are still as strong as ever- no matter how old the kids get! This morning we are all getting ready to go to work. It hardly sounds like a festive event- but we are all going to the family business and helping my parents. It's about working together as a family to help them to be successful and hopefully relieve some of their pressure! Tonight the kids and I will curl up with some Christmas soup (That's what I call anything I toss into a pot and add water to!) and watch the family Christmas movie: Gremlins. Then the kids each get to open one gift of their choosing.

Christmas morning always goes the same way- no matter how much I try not to... I get so excited that I run in and jump on their beds, wake them up. I'm always the first awake. And I even lay there for a while, trying to sleep... but I can't. So I go out and make breakfast while they grumble about and put on their festive moods. My parents join us for the stockings and gift opening. Stockings have always been special in our family. I like to put extra time and thought into what will make the individual smile and the kids have started filling my stocking. We all work together on my parent's. And then we take time with the gifts, the kids take turns and it keeps things from turning into an ungrateful paper shredding nightmare.

This year we'll be going over to my older sister's house for Christmas feasting and general family togetherness. My brother-in-law is planning to take out the snow mobile and we'll all go sledding and they have some new goats I'm looking forward to meeting.

This year is a particularly special gift. The kids were supposed to go to their father's home for Christmas. And my oldest and I were working on finding ways to make it special for us, while we were alone. We weren't even planning to get a tree. Their father chose last month not to take them this Christmas! So I was scrambling to get stockings figured out etc. But the kids were really happy about it and I cherish every moment I get with them. I am so thankful!

I keep hearing about sad situations where people are alone or disillusioned by the shameless consumerism of Christmas. And I wish I could bring them home with me. I know our family isn't perfect- far from it! But there is a lot of love; plenty to go around. 

Impossible

Ignorance may be bliss but it's a pain in the ass for everyone else.

And I don't care how enlightened you think you are- you are being a pain in the ass to someone. In my childhood I made vocal judgements about people that I genuinely didn't think were mean but as years pass and we grow in maturity and knowledge we can see how our choices may not have been wise. It's the same for each stage of life. And quite frankly, the more people believe they have things figured out, the more likely that they are unknowing turds.

For those of us who live our lives trying to make everyone around us happy, this is a bleak and rather frightening reality. Even more frightening is the realization we eventually have to come to: it is impossible to make everyone happy.

Why then do we keep trying so hard? For me, I feel panicky if I think people are angry with me. I shy away from confrontation but I also ache inside when I know I've hurt someone (unless it's my ex... since he hurt my kids and I have learned what an apparent monster he is, I've lost that desire to make him happy or see him not hurt) I want people around me to like and accept me: so much that I give up parts of who I am to win their approval. And it doesn't help me in the least.

Now the knowing is one thing. Doing something about it? Changing my needs? Learning to be more assertive? Yipes!  A difficult task.

Fairy Tale

What little girl doesn't hope for a fairy tale ending to her life? Granted, tomboys such as myself had rather twisted fairytale dreams for the future: I was wishing for a pirate to swoop in and carry me off to sea with him and his rowdy crew (a pirate is far more fun than some boring old prince!). Of course I also planned to be the first woman president. How the two would mesh I've no idea!

In many ways I've never grown up. Because I keep looking for and expecting a fairy tale.

I wish for a man to come along and fall head-over-heels for me. Send me flowers and suddenly find himself so enamored that no other woman even appeals anymore. And ta-da! Happily ever after. I've been married. I've been divorced. One would think after all of that, the secret, deep place inside me that wishes for such a miracle would have shriveled up and died. Alas it has not.

It is not for lack of trying on my part and from those around me. One of my sisters bluntly told me that a man is not going to come into my life as long as I look the way that I do. And I was raised with the knowledge that men are attracted by what they see. Then through life I learned the hard way what guy are attracted to: Thin, short, perpetually chipper... etc. I was pleased to learn in my later teen years that different guys are attracted to different looks. And to some men my appearance was appealing. I got married with the fairy tale idea that he would want only me. After all, why get married if you are going to be looking for fulfillment elsewhere?

I've certainly moved past the idea that life is without struggles and that marriage is fun all the time.

But I still wish for my own little version of a fairy tale. 

Forced Entertainment

Ever heard a mother say "you will do xyz and you'll enjoy it!"? I am beginning to understand this and the blame lies entirely upon being a mother of teenagers.

Given their way, they would spend the entire holiday season in front of the x-box, computer, or watching movies. There would be a break for opening presents (which they would hope would further facilitate more of the aforementioned activities) and then life would return to "normal". Thus my holidays are no longer about finding the energy to keep up with them and enjoying the magic of seeing the holidays through their eyes... now it is about guerilla warfare in the form of forced entertainment.

I am determined that my children will have happy memories with special traditions: whether they want them or not.

Last week was the last straw for me. My mother told me she was going to my sister's house (My sister has a herd of small children and the oldest is the same age as my youngest. A pre-teen) to create their annual gingerbread village. Last year my youngest had gone along and really enjoyed herself with her cousin. So I offered it as an option this year. And she said no. It sounded boring. This is odd to me because when, a couple of months ago, she was bemoaning "having" to spend Christmas with her father, she was crying because she would miss the End of the World party here and all the other traditions we usually do (they will all be here this year which is another story entirely but the choice of their father and one she was really excited about). Which got me thinking... and asking about other activities. Decorating gingerbread houses at home? Boring. Making ornaments? Boring. Going sledding? Boring. Christmas baking? Boring. End of the world party with music and friends? Boring.

And thus ended the option phase of the holiday season. I am now one of those mothers. The ones who say insane things like the quote at the beginning of this post. The ones whose children glare hatefully at while they are sent off to do family activities and setting up to do art projects.

And, if I'm lucky, one of the mothers whose children have some beautiful memories.