I am generally a happy person. Granted, not one of those in-your-face, super excited about everything people... just content and happy. I can say that I know this is true regardless of the situations I am in because I know what the alternative feels like.Depression. I've heard many different definitions for it from "sinful self-focus" to a deep sadness. Some definitions that resonate with me are: a lack of hope, a dark vacuum, and an emotional emptiness that surrounds the heart in dark clouds. Naturally people feel differently about this issue. I have been lectured by religious fanatics about how the devil has me infested with demons that I am allowing to run amok and thus, this unpleasant side effect. Some feel a person should be pushed to go outside immediately, pushed to participate in activities until they 'snap out of it'. I will point out that in both of the above examples the people making these assertions are blaming the victim to some degree; causing shame.
If I had the answers about depression I would not be writing this little post. But depressed days or phases like to creep up on me, generally there is no warning and no trigger that sets them off now. They just are. Yesterday was one of those days. To try and describe to a person who does not know depression personally the depth of the darkness and how alone I feel on those days is virtually impossible. I pasted on a smile to the best of my ability and did what I could for the kids (thankfully they are all pretty self-sufficient now!) but even they noticed. I felt guilty that their day was a little darker.
Scientifically I know that it is all about chemicals in my brain. So, if I was to exercise more then depression would be less likely. If I ate healthier well, even better! And goodness knows if I dropped the excess pounds I would be a health machine (and likely an in-your-face, super excited about everything person). It sounds a lot easier than it is. So the people who recommend that to others but don't do it for themselves.....Thankfully this time it seems to be short lived. I'm pulling myself out. I've found I do better when I am able to do it in my own time, in my own way.
A point for this post? There is none. Just sharing.
