Keep stuffing them with worms (or, the beginning of my empty nest)

Empty Nest by M. Dalton

This morning started out very normal. I let the dog out, filled my water bottle... and then spotted a box on the dining room table. I didn't have my contacts in yet so I had to get really close to inspect it. At first I assumed it was our new microwave (one of the kids blew up the old one whilst experimenting with making fireworks... a whole other story) or something else I had ordered. But I flipped it to all sides and found no shipping label. Then I looked on the end. It was labeled. It was a box of my oldest daughter's books, ready for storage.

I've been struggling all morning with this one. My first child to leave the nest, my oldest daughter has packed her first box. I keep thinking I am ready for these firsts but they still seem to sneak up on me, knock me on my ass.

I know more boxes are coming. I know I will be finding a special place for storing her boxes. I will be keeping her room ready for her to use when she comes home for Christmas and any other vacations. But more than that, I know officially, she will be moving out and starting her separate life.

I know this is just the very beginning of the next phase, as my beloved little birds are trying their wings more and more in preparation for doing exactly what their older sister is doing: beginning a life that will not involve their mother on a daily basis.

Already signs of this are appearing. Just as my little dog.

Animals have their own routines for this time of life. Mother goats will begin to kick and chase their babies away. Mother moose will aggressively chase and bite their yearlings. Mother birds have been known to push reluctant little birds out of the nest. Of course, as far as I can tell the maternal animals just keep reproducing until they die with no regard for 'finding themselves' or starting a career or any of the other things we humans tend to aim for. Since it is not my goal in life to be breeding stock, I am recognizing that my thinking needs to change just a little bit and that there are more wounds I need to face, goals I need to adjust.

For example, as far as my kids are going to know, this mom will miss them like crazy, be so proud she can hardly stand it, and be super excited for them to start their adult lives. But moments like this morning and that one silly packed box knock me over. I keep having to pick myself back up and remind myself of the goal I've had since they were babies: to raise them to be self-sufficient (and hopefully able to afford to care for their mother in her old age), well adjusted adults. I'm meeting this goal! Now I need to slowly allow myself to work on setting and aiming for my next goals in life. For my focus to begin to change.

I realized I had not considered my plans for after the kids move out since I was married. And we did have big plans at that time. After all, we would be without children for the first time in the marriage since he married me when my oldest was a toddler. It was to be a time of getting to know each other more; of dual income and career building. A time of gourmet foods and watching the sunset. It was a lovely and exciting plan! But oops! Reality strikes again!

At least I still have 2 more to keep stuffing worms into

I can still look forward to quiet sunsets and sipping tea on the porch. I can still look forward to a quiet house and much lower grocery bills. I can still look forward to building a career I can enjoy and that will support me. And hopefully, I'll add some more little dreams along the way. In the meantime I am thinking I ought to start small. Little things to symbolize the change in my life. I'll always be their mom, but my online handle has been focused around that fact for too many years. It may be time to change my e-mail address. And I don't need to worry too much. After all, my boy left me a note that he has outgrown all but two pairs of pants and my youngest is struggling through the insanity that is junior high.