A Zillion Little Opportunities

a long, monotonous process

I was laying in bed last night pondering this post and had the perfect title picked out, excellent wording... why does that always happen as I am drifting off? Alas, my ability to pluck ideal words from thin air will not be as fabulous as at least they seemed last night but hopefully the idea behind it all will still be clear!

The concept- or more accurately, battle, I have been pondering is that of making big changes in life. We all have negative things that if we aren't struggling with then we really should be. I've met some folks who are healthy and their vices aren't controlling their lives... but they're asshats. So even they (while they won't identify themselves when reading this due to said asshattery) have a major thing they ought to be struggling with to improve their lives.

I disagree. Unless what you want is healthy...

Its easy to look at the big problem and say we're going to make the change. We're going to take those necessary steps because that end goal looks damned good. But each of those changes is a journey and each of those journeys is chock full of incredibly difficult little steps/opportunities. A good example would be when I quit smoking. I'd tried so many times in the past and even been successful for a year or two! But it was not so simple as to just say "that's it, I'm done." Even now, three years later, I find myself with tempting opportunities, moments when all I can think of is how very good it felt to just toss responsibility to the wind and indulge myself. The urge is so strong- but thankfully the moments now come further and further apart.

It was when I looked closely at what, for me, is the great temptation that I recognized something about myself and my addictions. Its not as much about the action itself as it is about a moment in time- no matter how brief, when I can toss responsibility and concern aside and just do what I wish with no regard for consequences. Light bulb moment: isn't that what all addictions are like? Taking a gamble, excessive shopping, drowning one's self in alcohol, smoking, drugs, overeating, being an asshat... it gives a bit of a rush, a good feeling. If I could manage to vary my little rushes without any one thing taking control then there wouldn't be an issue.

It makes tackling my current issue no less easy but offers some clarity of thought, encouragement for the long road ahead that seems so impossible. I'm not just making a big change. I'm going to have to choose a zillion times that that end goal is more important to me than the strong desire to just forget, to lose myself for a moment.