When my
daughter was 13 she was in a chatroom designed for young people:
Animal Jam. Apparently
while she was there, despite my having had many conversations about what type
of information is okay versus not okay to give people online, she met a guy and
struck up a relationship. By the time I found out about it they were
communicating via telephone and skype as well as chatrooms and e-mail.
I got the guy's phone number, added his facebook account to
my "friends" and raked him over the coals. He was 19 when he
"met" my 13 year old daughter in Animal Jam and struck up a
relationship. His facebook page was very open, sharing information about where
he worked, who his family is, etc. I checked up on those things to confirm he
was a real person. He looked like a normal guy.
Talking with him, he seemed a very naive and lonely guy. He
didn't really have friends and had never had a relationship offline. He claimed
to be deeply in love with my daughter and willing to wait for her to grow up.
Said he just wanted to be friends until then. Since he was being so open with
me, I decided to allow the relationship on a platonic level.
Now he is 20 and she is 14. He told his family about my
daughter and they requested that I write a letter stating I was aware of their
relationship, approved, and would not legally pursue him for the relationship.
I also intercepted some rather racy texts. It was at this time that I sent the
following message to his mother and a copy to both my daughter and him:
Hello
(name withheld),
I am sending a copy of this
communication to both (names withheld) at the same time that I will send this
to you.
My name is XXXX, I’m XXXX’s
Mom. XXXXmet her in a child’s chatroom when she was 13. He obtained her contact
information and began a romantic relationship with her via the internet. This
was kept secret from me for some time. When I found out, I immediately obtained
your son’s contact information and had a chat with him. During that discussion
and a later discussion with my daughter, I made it clear that I was not okay
with anything more than an innocent relationship. As it was, I found the way he
met her to be creepy.
Recently a message came
through on XXXX's phone where they were texting about each other’s crotches.
XXXX has also gotten very secretive and protective of her laptop and cell
phone. When asked about XXXX, she gets very tight-lipped. This is all quite
normal for a 14 year old young lady! But- it is not acceptable when she is in a
relationship with an adult male.
I was informed that your
family wished to have a letter from me in which I would condone the
relationship and give written permission. This tells me that you are all
clearly aware of his online dating choices- which can only be described as
comparable to a sexual predator. It is sad to me that his family would be aware
of and seem to support this behavior. Thus, this note can serve as a very clear
indication that is I should at any time find he has stuck even the tip of his
toe over legal lines, I will press charges. If at any time I learn he is in
possession of any pictures of XXXX in a state of undress or provocative poses I
will turn him in for possession of child pornography.
I recognize that there are
rare occasions in which people meet at a young age and have a very long, happy
relationship. If, as they have indicated to me, this is the case then XXXX will
need to back way off and XXXX will need to increase her maturity level enough
to be transparent about their communications.
His mother indicated that she had been encouraging her son to end the relationship as my daughter is too young. But she said she hoped we could "work with the kids". That term concerned me. Clearly she still considers her adult son to be a kid and not expecting him to take full responsibility for his actions. Also disturbing is the message I got from this predator in response to my message:
Hey, XXXX it's XXXX... I just
wanted to talk to you to tell you that I apologize for the outcome of things..
It wasn't what I intended when we got together to be a sexual predator, and I
am sorry that our association had come off in that manner... I am a real man
with goals and purposes higher than that of a sexual predator, but... I suppose
maybe.. Right now... XXXX just needs friends, and maybe.. That is someone that
I could be. I apologize greatly, she means a lot to me, a lifetime... I suppose
it's just not the right time. I was listening to my heart, but perhaps a little
more mind next time.
Again, I thought hey- if this guy really does care about my daughter and if he is capable of backing WAY off... who am I to stand in the way of true love? It's unlikely but... So I said I would allow the relationship to continue if it was done on a very platonic level and my daughter was open and honest with me. This morning my daughter immediately lied to me and I learned there are, in fact, potential pictures out there of my daughter undressed.
With the ringing of my daughter's wails and sobs and begging for another chance ringing in my ears, I contacted both this male and his mother. I clearly indicated that any image need to be destroyed immediately as it is child pornography and if he so much as sends my daughter a text I will contact the police. It was intriguing to see how quickly the mother distanced herself from her own son. For his part, he tried to call my but I did not answer. The thought of even talking with this creep makes my skin crawl. So he sent a message promising to delete everything right away, get rid of all of her phone numbers and contact info, and block her on facebook. I did not reply. I can only hope my very real threat has put enough fear in him that he will not prey on other young ladies and will leave my daughter alone.
My girl is unlikely to even understand that what happened is not her fault, that he was a predator for many years. As a parent, its hard to step up and put my foot down but I really wish I'd done it sooner. My daughter is going through her first heartbreak. Its hard to watch and know all I can do is keep reassuring her of what a loveable, normal, beautiful young lady she is. Well, that and a Doctor Who marathon with lots of chocolate and snuggling!
I let her siblings know the basics of what was going on. And found my oldest daughter's response to this situation to be terrifying: "But Mom, he doesn't look like a predator.... usually they're weird looking middle aged men". No, they aren't. Sometimes they are but I did a bit of research. According to This Article "There was a significant increase in arrests of young adult offenders, ages 18 to 25." This means the sexual predators out there of this age are increasing. The most common age of their victims are 13-15.
Now what? Its happened. I'll be monitoring things a lot more closely. But the most important thing its taught me is that my daughter needs to be innoculated against the crap a predator is going to spew. There are studies done on how to educate our daughters- and thats what I need to study. I'm going to engage her counselor in this endeavor. I turned the information about the young man who took advantage of my girl over to her uncles, grandfathers, and father. If I was able (lived closer) I would
have already been on his front door giving him a good knuckle sandwich and confiscating his computer and any other device that might have been used to contact my girl! But her father never has been known for having balls.
Links that may be of interest:
http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-632111.pdf
http://www.childluresprevention.com/research/profile.asp
http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/CV194.pdf
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/safe/predator.html
https://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/infobrochures/sexual_offenders.pdf
You know that sick-to-your-stomach, deep down ache? I'm so tired of it. I'm not sure how to make it go away except to keep moving forward, reaching for my goals and being the best Mom I can be in the process. I try so hard every day to do whats right and leave the world a happier, better place behind me. Certainly not always successfully! But I throw myself into it and choose to put myself out there. And it hurts when others make it clear they find me lacking. Perhaps still remnants of so many years trying to make everyone happy- but I also believe that as humans, we thrive on acceptance and 
