Wearing a mask to hide our true selves in a common concept and one that I suspect we all struggle with to some degree. I have yet to meet anyone who genuinely felt fully accepted for who they are. I've met many who seemed to be and even deluded themselves into believing it- but there was always at least one person who they feared judgement from. And there is my opening paragraph: it sounds really informative but the truth is that it's all there to make me feel better about my own masks, my own choices to keep parts of me hidden.
The idea that there is anyone who can accept every aspect of me is a novel one. It is not something I really believe which is why even the people who know me best do not know everything. I still hide. In my wildest dreams I think of casting it all off: speaking how I wished, believing what I want, letting people see my faults and trusting they will accept me anyway.
Hello reality! People will not accept others who do not fit into their idea of normal. Where I can think of people who would accept and appreciate my sense of humor, those same people would be put off by a major physical flaw. Others may accept me unconditionally physically but reject my spiritual beliefs. Etc. etc. etc.
And behind every reason for the many masks I wear is one common denominator: Fear. Humans are made to be social creatures. And despite my social phobia and agoraphobia and GAD- all of which one would expect would leave me wishing for no social contact or acceptance at all; I need it. I need to feel accepted and I am too weak right now to be okay with rejection. That is a sad realization to make. But it's where I'm at. And sure, it is possible for people to prove to me that they accept me fully- but who am I to think they should? Why should anyone have to prove anything to me? The reality is this is not their flaw to have to work on. It's mine. I have to own it.
Now I could say hooray! I have discovered a flaw in myself and now that I recognize it, I can address it. But alas, where should it be in my list of priorities? Let's face it, I have a gazillion things I need to fix about myself. And in the shit storm of seeing all those flaws, the best I am hoping for at this point is that I will keep it in mind and as I am working on my other flaws; as I am moving forward in meeting this new version of myself that has emerged from the fires of divorce and abuse, I will see small choices I can make that will move me a bit closer to being stronger emotionally.I was going to end this post at that last paragraph but I have a thought. Where do we draw the line between socially acceptable and being ourselves? Take hermits for example. They choose to live outside of the societal norm but they are being themselves. Or the woman who creates things for art fairs etc. and lives in a bus. She is happy and true to her nature- but unaccepted by most in the community for living outside of that societal norm. We live in a judgmental society. We are judged by our looks, our beliefs, our perceived intelligence, the number of friends we have, our weight, whether or not we attend church and which one we do, how we care for ourselves when we are ill, whether or not we have pets and which sort- I suspect you can see where I am going here. Society is a long way from being open and accepting to all.
