Timing Not Right?

How many times in my life have I thought about trying something but because the timing just wasn't right in my mind, opted out? I couldn't begin to keep track. But I can look back and see that most of my biggest regrets came from trying to wait for the perfect time.  Sometimes my idea of perfect timing was based on what I felt other people would approve of. Sometimes it was based upon my religious beliefs. Other times it was based on what I felt was needed for other people... and under all of it was fear.

Fear of not being successful, fear of hurting someone else, fear of hell, fear of offending others... I know I am not the only person who looks back and wishes I could be looking back on more 'failures' than lack of trying. There are also a multitude of those classic cases of hindsight being 20/20 and realizing that if I had done (or tried) for what would have genuinely made me happy, then life would have been better for those who depended upon me too! 

But part of trying is realizing that other people are going to feel its not good timing for them. Thus, as I start to try more in my life, I find myself with many opportunities to either wait for other people or move along. Leading me to a simple question with no simple answers: is there anyone who is worth putting my life on hold for? Naturally when it comes to our children we must alter our thinking in order to put them first... but children thrive in a variety of situations and I wish I had been braver in chasing my own needs as well as theirs when they were younger. Back to the question- I am personally leaning toward saying there is no one worth putting our lives on hold for. Why? Because we don't know what's ahead. Because anyone who would want us to stop looking forward and chasing our goals/dreams is not someone who genuinely loves us. And because when it comes to people who really need us, there are usually creative ways to keep moving forward- even if its just slowly (like needing to care for an ill parent, etc.). 

It sucks realizing that the fulfillment of a wish or dream is ultimately in another person's hands. But ironically it is also what would make the end result more wonderful; knowing that person loves you back or believes in you too. And I recently put myself 'out there'. It was scary and hard and I don't regret it one bit. But it left that wish in someone else's hands and the time isn't right for them. It may never be right for them and I have to be okay with that. Because I don't know what's ahead for me and I'm not going to stop chasing after dreams. They will just be different dreams. And now that I've put myself out there, people can know where I stand, what my feelings are. They can choose to come along on this wild ride or follow their own path. 

That would have been a pretty little end to this post right up there. But it brought up another thought for me. Isn't it amazing and wonderful how our own dreams naturally alter and merge with a loved one when they choose to join us? When two people both care about each other so much that they want to see the other person's dreams and goals fulfilled they become one beautiful entity of sorts in this messy world of ours. Of course that sounds like a perfect little situation and we should all know my now that isn't reality. But when I say that, I say it knowing about the inevitable disagreements and hurts and curveballs life likes to throw. And I view the reality of two people in love through all of those challenges beautiful. 

The Question of Identity

Recently I have been thinking about where people get their feeling of self, their identity. What makes me feel special and unique? To what ideals, things or facts do I turn when I need validation? The natural progression (for me anyway) in this thought process was to where do I want to find my identity and how do I shift from things, ideals or facts that are not healthy?

For example, some people find their identity in appearance. If they are feeling down it may be because they do not feel attractive for any reason and a new haircut or manicure might be just what they need to feel more secure in themselves. And I see nothing wrong with that- if their sense of identity serves them well! But for some it can spiral into unhealthy obsessions like eating disorders. Some people find their identity in religion. What happens if their religious beliefs let them down?

My life has changed so much over the last few years. I placed great value in my religious beliefs, in being a mother and a wife. So now that I am a divorced woman with children who are rapidly starting to leave the nest, I've been floundering! I also know that I find my worth (or lack thereof) not only in what other people think of me but also in my appearance. And right there we have another issue to consider. It seems as though if our self-worth or identity is found in the approval of others- whether they are our parents, spouses, children, friends, or strangers: we are setting ourselves up to feel really awful. I know this from experience!

I will take this even a step further and say I believe we judge others based upon the things that define our own identities. When I was a very religious person I believed everyone else should be and if they weren't, I was in some way superior. Not that I would have admitted it- but it was there. I would catch myself comparing my appearance to others and even how successful my children were with other people's children. Welcome to crazy town!

Now, as I find myself in a long process of rethinking my core beliefs and identifying issues I wish to change about myself, I am finding that much of this process is identifying and simply being aware of those core beliefs and whether or not they line up with my goals. It seems like this should be simple. Like as soon as I notice I am thinking in a habitual way and that it does not line up with my goals, well then I ought to banish the thought and use affirmations or something to build up a new way of thinking. Maybe it really is that simple for some folks. But that method ignores the gut-wrenching feelings that do leave me all twisted up.

In my spiritual path I wish to be someone who does not judge others but instead focuses on my own issues. I plan to research and surround myself with knowledge about my beliefs so that I can speak clearly if I am asked. I see a need for growth in caring less about what others (especially my family!) think of me and more about what is true, right, and kind. I choose to be kind. I want to base my identity less upon my appearance but place greater value on my health. I choose to encourage my children to be the very best them they can be. They don't need me comparing them or any other children to them: they are fantastic!

Of course that is just a short list of my goals. But I am hopeful that as I successfully alter the things, ideals, and facts from which I glean my own identity, it will help me move closer to being the person I wish to be.

And I get this feeling that I am only comprehending the very tip of this iceberg!

Winter Solstice 2013

I had big plans for starting a new tradition this Winter Solstice. The kids and I had pallets and regular wood and firestarters and some sort of salt stuff that makes the fire burn different colors. We were going to make a big bonfire with friends on the snowy, icy beach and turn loose those paper lanterns after we lit them to float off into the sky. It was going to be beautiful.

Icy rain fell all that afternoon and by evening time I knew there was no way with my leg and cane I would be able to safely maneuver about on the rocky beach. I knew the kids would be miserable and that there was no sense in trying to make a family tradition they would despise. It was so frustrating!

But then I went online. One of my high school friends had posted that her parents had been in an accident and was asking people to pray. Her Mom happened to be someone I considered a friend and was dear to my heart. It was a shock to hear but... my mind at that time would not even consider the possibility that anything could go horribly wrong. It just couldn't.

A few hours later my friend posted again. Her mother, this dear, sweet woman, had died.

How can I write about something that really has not even processed in my own mind? Logically I know she is no longer with us, but it still seems too horrible to be true.

This Solstice has been one of sadness, of cold. As I was pondering and feeling this, I read Starhawk's blog post about her frustrations and the coldness of this winter solstice. Her final words in this post grabbed me:

Yet I need this year’s cleansing.  I need the great elemental forces to wash through me and carry away some of this grief and renew my faith in life’s resilience.

So tonight I embrace the cold.  Call it in—cold is what we need, to cool the overheated earth, to bring back the rains.  I offer up the fire, to the snowy plover, to all the endangered species, to everything and everyone whose simple birthrights are stolen.

Let this be the Solstice magic.  Tides turn.  Miracles happen.

Out of darkness, light is born.

I am in agreement. I need the symbolism that day was to bring. The releasing of the hurts of the year; the turning from the longest night toward more light. So cold it is. While fire is comforting and there is something lovely about gathering around it with loved ones, cold grabs one by the throat. There is nothing gentle about cold. But there is still a cleansing feeling in the cold.

I went out on my porch without my coat or hat and let the cold engulf me. Breathing it in and feeling it seep through my clothes, startle my skin. I do not have to be religious to be spiritual and it was the spiritual moment I had been hoping to bring about with the comfort of the fire. I cried for the loss of this lovely woman and the hurts of the past year, the fears and uncertainty in my future. But I also felt a deep sense of joy and peace in the ability of humanity to adapt and improvise.

Merry Christmas/Yule/Winter Solstice!

Its so easy to judge. So easy to be angry and sensitive.

On the other side (I am refusing to go mainstream and say flip side) its also easy to be a doormat, hold everything in and try to make everyone happy.

And thus we return to the topic of balance in all aspects of life! This is a constant challenge and blogging actually helps me to spot it in my life. Sadly I generally don't see it right away but I am hoping that as I practice looking for ways in which I am out of balance I will come closer to living consciously, seeing the choices rather than just skipping along down the well worn path.

One of the issues that has cropped up with this holiday season has been the topic of religion/beliefs that surround the season. It should be simple, right? I believe we need to respect everyone's beliefs so I should be living that. And then I find posts like the one to the left. Ignorance at it's finest. And yes- there I go judging again!

Who are we, who is anyone, to shove their beliefs down another person's throat? Why is it so difficult to recognize that simply because we believe something then anyone who doesn't is wrong and we should aggressively tell them so? Initially I was just trying to quietly flow with my beliefs but as these posts began I found myself getting downright militant about not saying Christmas, not "liking" or commenting on anything someone said that involved that word and feeling a deep anger when I heard it. I knew my emotions were ugly but wasn't sure how I needed to deal with this new challenge.

It was at this time that I came across a blog that I wish I could reference here. I have searched many times but cannot find her again. She is of Wiccan belief and was writing about her difficulties with this very issue. She had also been raised in a Christian home but as she grew up, accepted the Wiccan faith. Initially she would feel a deep offense by all the Christmas decorations etc. because she had researched and knew that the origins of this holiday are Pagan.

For those who have not read up on this here and here and here will give you some starting places.

So going back to my mystery blogger, she realized that she did not want to be like the militant people who insist upon calling the season by a particular name. She was focusing on the differences and the ignorance rather than doing what she genuinely believed: accepting people where they are. Needless to say, this really hit home with me. I am not Wiccan but I do share some of their views- a major one being acceptance. The blogger was able to find humor in the whole situation because of the pure irony of the true origins versus the insistence to believe otherwise.

I love this meme by Nancy Eve Dalin. It is based on facts and backed up by scientific data. I know it isn't popular. Because 76% of the country believes one thing while only the 24% feel differently.

Personally I am working on just letting go. Letting go of the angers and hurts and embracing unity. My home will be celebrating the Winter Solstice. Not for religious reasons but rather because it is another opportunity to gather and create more memories. We will also celebrate Yule/Christmas/Xmas. For the same reasons. But I choose to recognize that my family's choices are not the same as everyone else's and if someone wants to say Merry Christmas I will be saying it right back, with a smile inside and out.

Guilt

Tonight my oldest daughter matter of factly informed me of how she had made plans to run away during the time when her adopted father had been abusing her. She had calculated the costs to live and she and her friends had elaborate plans for covering for each other. The other girls were making plans so they could be with their boyfriends. No one asked my baby why she needed to get away. No one knew her deep pain and the years of abuse. Not even her Mom.

When I think of her I do not just see the young woman she is now. Somehow I see all those years- from the first time I held her and she looked like a little, red, squalling elf to the adorable, feisty little red-headed toddler to the shy kindergartener to the advanced, intelligent elementary school student and on. She has always had and old soul you can see in her eyes and she has always had a deep, deep strength and determination. She prides her self in her high pain tolerance, her high IQ, her insatiable quest for knowledge (the search for which led to her collecting old physics and psych books from thrift stores for light reading at night).

But what she doesn't admit in that pain, that pain buried so deeply because its too big to face. To hear her talk I would not recognize it either if it was not for the fact that I'm her Mom. That I heard the little quiver in her voice mixed with the stoic tone she gets when talking about something like this. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me. Hell, she spent so many years trying to protect me. Thinking she had to care for me. And why? Because that monster, her abuser, told her that if she told me what he was doing to her then I would be heart broken. It was too much of a burden. Something no child should have to face.

When she talked about her plans tonight over the phone, calling from college, it was like a knife in my gut all over again. Every time I think I'm moving past the guilt of not seeing what she was going through, of not being the Mom she needed, of not making as much time for her as I should have... Well I thought I was not so vulnerable in that area. But something like this cuts past the bullshit and goes straight to those feelings in me. I think of how when she was little, I held her and was so thankful she was in my life. I tried to do it all perfect. Breastfeeding, a natural birth so she would not have painkillers in her system when she was born, only natural solid foods (until Dad snuck her the good stuff!). I would swear to her I was going to be the best Mom I could, that even though I was so young and even though life wasn't perfect- it wouldn't matter because she could always count on me.

I can see the downward spiral when I look back over the years. I can see times when I should have found a way to really listen. Times when I should have taken her more seriously. Times when I was busy with other things and I left her feeling like she wasn't as important. And it led to her feeling that he was right. That she couldn't count on me. That she had to champion herself. And what twists the knife is thinking of how very lonely my so very loved girl must have felt as she made plans to escape the abuse. How she spent hours in the bathroom because it was the only door that locked in the house.

Is there anything I can do now to nullify the pain for her? Yes, when she told me I protected her. I went to court. I divorced her abuser. I stood for her. And I hope it eased her pain some to know I chose her. To know I believe her. To know I would and will always fight her battles if she lets me. But I can never go back and change the times I didn't stand for her. The times she still remembers and hurts deep deep inside. I didn't really keep my promise.

Does good come from any of this? She is amazing. Maybe she would not be as independent and strong. But the cost- the price we paid for the wisdom and knowledge gained was too high. I can't wish I could rewind and do better at protecting her because I have two other children who needed me too. But part of me does anyway. And I don't know if I will ever not feel this guilt.