More Fairy Tale Wishes

I admit it- I used to believe in fairy tales. Granted, because of my tomboyish nature I was more inclined to daydream of a scarred pirate rather than a handsome prince but the basis remains the same. Someone swoops in when I need him most and rescues me from a horrible situation. I am then brought to a new, happy life where we proceed to spend the rest of our days adoring each other.

In such a tale there is no room for infidelity and abuse. There is no room for reality either.

I know I have to have realistic expectations for my future. I tend to dream big. And that is a good thing but it also means disappointment is bound to follow. Having been in so many unhealthy relationships I also have to figure out what it is realistic to hope for. None of us should ever settle for a negative situation- but if we set our expectations too high then we are guaranteed to never find Mr. (or Mrs!) right.

I really did have many horrible moments in my marriage and the aftermath; many of those moments the feelings of betrayal were crippling. Oddly, I realized that the feelings of betrayal were not always aimed at my ex. I didn't know why as nothing else makes sense. I was not until about a year after the divorce was finalized when I was sitting with a counselor and finally honestly exploring these thoughts that I got my answer. The counselor leaned across, took my hand and smiled; she said it sounds like I keep hoping for someone to defend me, to stand up for me. And she was right. I spent years trying to make everyone around me happy, putting myself last and even hurting myself in the process. I left everything and fought like a wild bear in court for my daughter. I stood up to my ex and his family, even when friends and family did not stand with me. And in the deepest part of me, I wished for someone to stand with me.

Where is my defender? My knight in shining armor? Or better yet, my scarred pirate?

Curse my fairy tale wishes. No matter how tired I get of fighting for myself, for my kids; there is no scarred pirate waiting to protect me. My family and friends subscribe to the belief that forgiving is where it's at and immediately forgave the monster who is my ex. So, I get to be my own hero. My own scarred pirate.

Happy?

I noticed something today:

I'm far from perfect in every way and avoid cameras and often people because of my own insecurities and I have a lot of hurts and grudges and issues I'm dealing with and I have teenagers and kids with health issues and schoolwork and deadlines constantly looming and judgmental people all around and not very many friends I really count on and the ones that I do are mostly online so I often wonder how pathetic and odd that makes me and I don't keep my house clean or smile at very many people and I don't volunteer at the school and I even duck out of parent-teacher conferences (unless I know there's an issue) and money is so tight and I have no love life whatsoever.

But...

I am still happy.

Black Bean and Tomato Quinoa Salad

I found a recipe online but they used so many unhealthy ingredients that it seemed to nullify the wonderfully healthy quinoa. So I tweaked the ingredients and amounts and have come up with a recipe that even my teens adore. Warning: I now find myself craving it sometimes!

Black Bean and Tomato Quinoa Salad

2 t. grated lime zest
2 T. Fresh lime juice
2 T. olive oil
1 t. agave nectar OR a itty bitty pinch of stevia
1 C. quinoa
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
2 tomatoes, diced
4 green onion stalks, chopped
1/2 C. fresh cilantro

Wash the quinoa, drain, then put in cooking pot and toast until it has a nice, nutty scent. Add two cups of water and cook until water is dissolved.

While quinoa is cooking, mix all other ingredients together. Add quinoa and then salt and pepper to taste.