Come Visit my Little Nightmare

Today I saw a post on facebook in which a woman thanked everyone for all the happy birthday wishes and commented on how blessed she felt to have so many lovely people in her life who care so much for her.

The immediate thought that came to my mind was of how incredibly grateful I am to know her. She's a short, funny little personality filled woman who is so proud to be 70 now. She works because she wants to and, as her husband said, it keeps her out of trouble. She gets at least one marriage proposal every summer (during the tourist times) and her response is: "lemme see your checkbook and if your rich enough I'll think about it".

She is like a magnet. People are drawn to her and, like me, they feel honored just to have her attention for a little while, to be able to call her a friend.

It dawned on me that I would love to be that sort of person. I used to share many of the qualities she has but since the divorce and my physical injury... I have built so many walls to protect myself. And it works well. It keeps people away.

As my divorce began and right on through the year-long hellish experience, I tried to keep myself focused on my goals: to keep the kids safe, get myself healthy, and not become a bitter, angry woman. Somewhere along the way, I lost... my way. I am angry. I am hurt. And, I'm certainly not healthy on any level.

They have lots of books out there for how to go through a divorce peacefully etc. Not one is aimed toward helping a woman through a divorce with a man who couldn't keep his hands off her daughter. I guess there isn't a very big audience to write for. Sometimes being unique can kind of suck. And everyone has advice- but not a one had really been in my shoes.

So now people say I should be over it. It's been more than 2 years- that magic span of time in which people supposedly recover. And as I look back I am realizing that rather than moving closer to my goal- even if only a tiny bit, I have taken giant steps away from it!

And now I am sitting here, looking at this screen and the little blinking cursor and feeling rather hopeless. I want to be that person- that magnetic woman who people are happy to know. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be so hurt that I protect myself in this shell. I don't want to continue with the destructive habits.

I have no one to blame but myself.

Just. Shut. Up.

I've heard all the wise quotes about thinking before I speak and it sounds like a simple enough task. I know some people around me wonder how I get myself into so much trouble. But it's not me, I swear: it's my big mouth!

I have learned some very important things.

1. It's not my job to offer my opinion to other people. Even if they are being really stupid and desperately need it.

2. Edit, edit, edit. Try to find the shortest way to get across what I'm trying to say. Both in writing and on paper.

3. People might say they want to hear my opinions and ideas: most of them are lying.

4. Speak with my actions more than my words

All of those things are lovely. And challenging. I'm still working on them. And I catch myself wandering off on verbal tangents frequently. Intriguing the way that when I pour my heart into something I have written, it is hard to edit. The slash of the pen is like a knife. And I worry: where is the line? If I take out too much then I lose my voice, the writing is no longer really uniquely mine. But leaving too much loses the reader.

My oldest daughter is like me. Before I made this realization, I was getting increasingly irritated because she would not just say something. No, she had to give examples and anecdotes and by the time she made her simple request or comment I would be so irritated I was grinding my teeth. Then I had a light bulb moment. I do the same thing. That young woman is me. I make people grind their teeth! A horrifying discovery for certain.

I had that discovery confirmed when I caught myself going off on a tangent (about the kids... that shouldn't count should it?!) in an e-mail conversation with my ex. And when I caught myself I explained my latest insight and "oh haha I likely drive you bananas with all my chatter" to which he replied.... nothing. That was clearly an opportunity for him to say oh no, I like to hear about the kids and whats happening in you all's lives! But no. I drive people nutty.

And so what sounds like the simplest of things is another mountain I need to climb. Learning to just shut up.