A Letter to Myself

Dear One-Week-Ago-Self,

Hey it's amazing what you can learn in just a week! But trust me, I am sure if we give ourselves another month or two this is going to be a lot easier.

So the first thing you need to know is that it's going to hurt like hell. You're going to second guess yourself and you're going to miss him. You're going to be so tempted to call him or write him and you're going to stalk his facebook page because, let's face it: you're crazy like that.

But, the second thing you need to know is that it's really normal to feel this way. It means you're human and more than that: you're brave enough to put your heart out there and genuinely love. That's growth right there and damn it, we aren't going to lose that. No matter how much it hurts.

And the third thing you need to know: You are doing the right thing. You need to respect yourself enough to walk away when someone can't or won't care enough to follow through on promises. You've given a lot of chances and been very clear. Now the time for talk is done. It's time to take action and stand up for yourself. You'll be glad you did.

Love,
Me

Diving into the shallow end of the pool

I did it. I dove head first into dating and actually ended up in an honest to goodness relationship. Yeah. Crazy!

It does explain some of my absence- I found that investing myself in a relationship takes a hell of a lot of time. But naturally I'm back. And the relationship is over. I guess that's to be expected but if we went into every relationship expecting it to end then it wouldn't be much of a relationship so I feel justified in saying I'd hoped this one would work out. Would last.

This morning I was out on my walk and felt the loss of being able to talk with him. Especially since at the moment I have to much to say giving that I'm quite hurt and angry over the whole thing! So I wrote him in my head. And writing him an e-mail sounded like a perfectly reasonable thing to do... except that doing so would draw him back into my life. That's not right to do for either of us. So I remembered my blog. And hell, what better solution to not writing a now ex than to pour my heart out to strangers via the world wide web? Far more reasonable of course.

Life really is so crazy.

I'm planning to come back in here and write about more solid things later- maybe. Still deciding given that this is a public place even if not many visit. But right now I feel a bit lost, without direction. I've not talked with any friends about the relationship ending. I've been dealing with it on my own as best I can which I suspect is not healthy but I honestly don't even know how to reach out right now or who is emotionally safe to reach out to. So public (mostly) anonymity it is!

Beliefs and Misconceptions

I am not a religious person. I used to be- and when I began questioning and researching I was confused and sad and scared. And then I was angry for several years. Very angry. The amazing thing is that no one asked me why I was angry, they just assumed. In fact, I was informed that I was angry with "god". But how could I be angry with something I do not believe exists? No, had I been asked, I would have been able to say that I was angry I had spent so much of my life living for death/afterlife that I missed living much of this life. I was angry with myself for being so happy and willing to go along with what I'd been taught from an early age and not genuinely bening open minded enough to seek answers.

I didn't jump straight from being a fundamentalist Christian to atheism. Far from it. In truth, my initial step away was into Wiccan beliefs. I didn't want to let go of the idea of some sort of an higher power. There is a comfort in being able to believe in something bigger than ourselves, in believing that if we follow said higher power's rules then they will take care of us. But I couldn't agree with all of those beliefs and instead my personal beliefs morphed into more of a pagan hybrid thing. I kept searching for answers and kept hitting that gradually thinning wall of fear. But facts are a funny thing- they don't change based upon our whims or beliefs. They just are.

So it reached a point where despite my greatest efforts, I began to realize I no longer believed that crystals could heal me or that nature was a thing to be worshipped- that was for the ancient people who had no explanations for major natural events so had to create one. But I was still afraid of dying and going to hell. It was that old "what if" question. So I was an agnostic. I would say I didn't believe in a deity but also wasn't convinced that there wasn't one.

It was only recently that I began to challenge that uncertainty. Because there are many, many deities in the world people believe in. How am I so certain that one of those deities does not exist but afraid to release the thought that the deity I had been raised to believe existed does not? And then I realized: I was so afraid of taking that big step away from the comfort of lack of responsibility. If I embraced my lack of belief then I would be making a decision entirely on my own- no big unknown power overseeing things, a great black void when I died.. etc. I'd been gradually moving closer to that realization but to actually be there? It was a time I chose to just rest in pondering. I tentatively tried those new thoughts on, challenged my lack of belief, even asked questions of people who had a variety of different beliefs.

That whole period of time from being a fundamentalist to atheism was a terrifying journey. But on so many occasions since that time I have been hit over the head with how incredibly thankful I am for that journey. I used to say that unbelievers were seeking. That they have a "god-shaped" hole in their lives that can be filled by nothing else. No, as someone who would now be considered a nonbeliever I can say with confidence that I am closer to feeling like a whole person, closer to feeling that deep peace I'd been seeking for so long than I ever was before. I used to be convinced that unbelievers were somehow so obsessed with death and unable to appreciate the beauty of the natural world around them. Oh how very wrong I was! I've been moved to tears by the amazing beauty of the world around me. I love to stand in wind and rain storms and feel the strength of the elements and appreciate what a very small speck I am in the amazing universe. I am obsessed with living! With breathing deep and preserving the earth. I used to believe that unbelievers chose that lack of belief because they wanted to do all forms of sinful things with no consequences. But I have choice just as everyone else does. I also have natural consequences. I don't need the threat of eternal damnation to choose to make positive choices for my health and how I care for the earth and people around me. In fact, I've become more of a humanitarian than I ever was in the past.

Another major change has been my interest in caring for the earth. Before when I would hear about global warming and other major catastrophic issues I would pray and shake my head, thinking that this was a sign of the end times. But I did not overly concern myself- after all, we had a deity watching over us all so this must be part of his grand plan, right? And, I believed the earth would be destroyed anyway to destroy all the evil. Now I must take responsibility, be actively involved in making changes and better choices.

One of the most important changes between my very angry times and now is that I accept people will have different paths to wherever it is they are going. I cannot change people's minds or force them to live their lives. I cannot make them be open to genuinely considering other ideas and beliefs. And I'm okay with that. If someone asks I'll talk with them. If someone states a belief I will comment. But I choose not to attack someone just because they think differently. I was once there and I was a really decent human being.

Some Fathers really Rock.

Today I saw a little boy riding a bicycle with training wheels. He was confident and excited and enjoying the fresh air. His father ran alongside- sometimes needing to really push himself and sometimes I saw the father extend him arms as if he was a mother hen, protecting his son from falling. That little boy didn't really pay attention. He just rode confidently, secure in knowing his Dad would be there to catch him if anything went awry.

It reminded me of the time I asked my Dad what he remembered from when my sisters and I were little. His response was that all he remembered was wild, flying bodies screeching "Catch me Daddy!" He commented on how he would worry about not being able to catch us. But that's the beauty of it- he worried. He made such an effort and because he cared I have a deep down, solid knowing that no matter what the situation, my Dad will catch me if I fall.

So I can go through life like that little boy. Not as carefree now that I'm an adult but secure in that deep knowing. That little boy and I have been given a beautiful gift as have all the others in the world who have fathers who treasured them. To be a good father you don't have to be perfect. You just need to be present and make your kids a priority in your life.

You men who step up and protect, love, and guide your children do an amazing thing and make the world a better place. Thank-you for being you and making that choice.

Trying to Take the High Road

You know that sick-to-your-stomach, deep down ache? I'm so tired of it. I'm not sure how to make it go away except to keep moving forward, reaching for my goals and being the best Mom I can be in the process. I try so hard every day to do whats right and leave the world a happier, better place behind me. Certainly not always successfully! But I throw myself into it and choose to put myself out there. And it hurts when others make it clear they find me lacking. Perhaps still remnants of so many years trying to make everyone happy- but I also believe that as humans, we thrive on acceptance and
love. Thus it would only make sense for a lack of acceptance and/or love to leave a person feeling pretty crummy.

In many ways, as much as I hate the prejudice I encountered, it helped me to think creatively. I looked outside the box and considered options that weren't designed to make people happy but rather to decide what was in the best interest of my kids, what was best for me. And the results so far surprised me. I successfully found a creative solution that also gave a beautiful person I don't always agree with a well-deserved place in my children's lives. And when I set that plan in motion, I was able to smile and feel the 'right-ness' of it.

Soul Freedom by Michelle Wiarda

Its hard to see what the best options are because I know right now my vision is clouded with pain. All of me wants to pack up my car in the middle of the night and just leave town. Try to find a fresh start. But it would be the equivilent of flouncing out the door just to make a statement. Rather than trying to make a statement prejudiced people are going to find silly anyway, its better for me to revise some of the ways I was going to try to reach my goals and do it right. I'll still walk away. But I'll do it with my head held high and a smile on my face.

I'm still trying to answer so many of those big questions that have plagued me for a while. The main one being, in what area of the world do I want to make my home? If I could just figure that out then my goals would be so much easier to chase!

Predators aren't Obviously Predators

 When my daughter was 13 she was in a chatroom designed for young people: Animal Jam. Apparently while she was there, despite my having had many conversations about what type of information is okay versus not okay to give people online, she met a guy and struck up a relationship. By the time I found out about it they were communicating via telephone and skype as well as chatrooms and e-mail.

I got the guy's phone number, added his facebook account to my "friends" and raked him over the coals. He was 19 when he "met" my 13 year old daughter in Animal Jam and struck up a relationship. His facebook page was very open, sharing information about where he worked, who his family is, etc. I checked up on those things to confirm he was a real person. He looked like a normal guy. 

Talking with him, he seemed a very naive and lonely guy. He didn't really have friends and had never had a relationship offline. He claimed to be deeply in love with my daughter and willing to wait for her to grow up. Said he just wanted to be friends until then. Since he was being so open with me, I decided to allow the relationship on a platonic level. 

Now he is 20 and she is 14. He told his family about my daughter and they requested that I write a letter stating I was aware of their relationship, approved, and would not legally pursue him for the relationship. I also intercepted some rather racy texts. It was at this time that I sent the following message to his mother and a copy to both my daughter and him:

Hello (name withheld),

I am sending a copy of this communication to both (names withheld) at the same time that I will send this to you.

My name is XXXX, I’m XXXX’s Mom. XXXXmet her in a child’s chatroom when she was 13. He obtained her contact information and began a romantic relationship with her via the internet. This was kept secret from me for some time. When I found out, I immediately obtained your son’s contact information and had a chat with him. During that discussion and a later discussion with my daughter, I made it clear that I was not okay with anything more than an innocent relationship. As it was, I found the way he met her to be creepy.

Recently a message came through on XXXX's phone where they were texting about each other’s crotches. XXXX has also gotten very secretive and protective of her laptop and cell phone. When asked about XXXX, she gets very tight-lipped. This is all quite normal for a 14 year old young lady! But- it is not acceptable when she is in a relationship with an adult male.

I was informed that your family wished to have a letter from me in which I would condone the relationship and give written permission. This tells me that you are all clearly aware of his online dating choices- which can only be described as comparable to a sexual predator. It is sad to me that his family would be aware of and seem to support this behavior. Thus, this note can serve as a very clear indication that is I should at any time find he has stuck even the tip of his toe over legal lines, I will press charges. If at any time I learn he is in possession of any pictures of XXXX in a state of undress or provocative poses I will turn him in for possession of child pornography.

I recognize that there are rare occasions in which people meet at a young age and have a very long, happy relationship. If, as they have indicated to me, this is the case then XXXX will need to back way off and XXXX will need to increase her maturity level enough to be transparent about their communications.

His mother indicated that she had been encouraging her son to end the relationship as my daughter is too young. But she said she hoped we could "work with the kids". That term concerned me. Clearly she still considers her adult son to be a kid and not expecting him to take full responsibility for his actions. Also disturbing is the message I got from this predator in response to my message:

Hey, XXXX it's XXXX... I just wanted to talk to you to tell you that I apologize for the outcome of things.. It wasn't what I intended when we got together to be a sexual predator, and I am sorry that our association had come off in that manner... I am a real man with goals and purposes higher than that of a sexual predator, but... I suppose maybe.. Right now... XXXX just needs friends, and maybe.. That is someone that I could be. I apologize greatly, she means a lot to me, a lifetime... I suppose it's just not the right time. I was listening to my heart, but perhaps a little more mind next time.

Again, I thought hey- if this guy really does care about my daughter and if he is capable of backing WAY off... who am I to stand in the way of true love? It's unlikely but... So I said I would allow the relationship to continue if it was done on a very platonic level and my daughter was open and honest with me. This morning my daughter immediately lied to me and I learned there are, in fact, potential pictures out there of my daughter undressed.

With the ringing of my daughter's wails and sobs and begging for another chance ringing in my ears, I contacted both this male and his mother. I clearly indicated that any image need to be destroyed immediately as it is child pornography and if he so much as sends my daughter a text I will contact the police. It was intriguing to see how quickly the mother distanced herself from her own son. For his part, he tried to call my but I did not answer. The thought of even talking with this creep makes my skin crawl. So he sent a message promising to delete everything right away, get rid of all of her phone numbers and contact info, and block her on facebook. I did not reply. I can only hope my very real threat has put enough fear in him that he will not prey on other young ladies and will leave my daughter alone.

My girl is unlikely to even understand that what happened is not her fault, that he was a predator for many years. As a parent, its hard to step up and put my foot down but I really wish I'd done it sooner. My daughter is going through her first heartbreak. Its hard to watch and know all I can do is keep reassuring her of what a loveable, normal, beautiful young lady she is. Well, that and a Doctor Who marathon with lots of chocolate and snuggling!

I let her siblings know the basics of what was going on. And found my oldest daughter's response to this situation to be terrifying: "But Mom, he doesn't look like a predator.... usually they're weird looking middle aged men". No, they aren't. Sometimes they are but I did a bit of research. According to This Article "There was a significant increase in arrests of young adult offenders, ages 18 to 25." This means the sexual predators out there of this age are increasing. The most common age of their victims are 13-15.

Now what? Its happened. I'll be monitoring things a lot more closely. But the most important thing its taught me is that my daughter needs to be innoculated against the crap a predator is going to spew. There are studies done on how to educate our daughters- and thats what I need to study. I'm going to engage her counselor in this endeavor. I turned the information about the young man who took advantage of my girl over to her uncles, grandfathers, and father. If I was able (lived closer) I would have already been on his front door giving him a good knuckle sandwich and confiscating his computer and any other device that might have been used to contact my girl! But her father never has been known for having balls.

Links that may be of interest:

http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/amp-632111.pdf

http://www.childluresprevention.com/research/profile.asp

http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/CV194.pdf

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/safe/predator.html

https://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/infobrochures/sexual_offenders.pdf

A Zillion Little Opportunities

a long, monotonous process

I was laying in bed last night pondering this post and had the perfect title picked out, excellent wording... why does that always happen as I am drifting off? Alas, my ability to pluck ideal words from thin air will not be as fabulous as at least they seemed last night but hopefully the idea behind it all will still be clear!

The concept- or more accurately, battle, I have been pondering is that of making big changes in life. We all have negative things that if we aren't struggling with then we really should be. I've met some folks who are healthy and their vices aren't controlling their lives... but they're asshats. So even they (while they won't identify themselves when reading this due to said asshattery) have a major thing they ought to be struggling with to improve their lives.

I disagree. Unless what you want is healthy...

Its easy to look at the big problem and say we're going to make the change. We're going to take those necessary steps because that end goal looks damned good. But each of those changes is a journey and each of those journeys is chock full of incredibly difficult little steps/opportunities. A good example would be when I quit smoking. I'd tried so many times in the past and even been successful for a year or two! But it was not so simple as to just say "that's it, I'm done." Even now, three years later, I find myself with tempting opportunities, moments when all I can think of is how very good it felt to just toss responsibility to the wind and indulge myself. The urge is so strong- but thankfully the moments now come further and further apart.

It was when I looked closely at what, for me, is the great temptation that I recognized something about myself and my addictions. Its not as much about the action itself as it is about a moment in time- no matter how brief, when I can toss responsibility and concern aside and just do what I wish with no regard for consequences. Light bulb moment: isn't that what all addictions are like? Taking a gamble, excessive shopping, drowning one's self in alcohol, smoking, drugs, overeating, being an asshat... it gives a bit of a rush, a good feeling. If I could manage to vary my little rushes without any one thing taking control then there wouldn't be an issue.

It makes tackling my current issue no less easy but offers some clarity of thought, encouragement for the long road ahead that seems so impossible. I'm not just making a big change. I'm going to have to choose a zillion times that that end goal is more important to me than the strong desire to just forget, to lose myself for a moment.