Beliefs and Misconceptions

I am not a religious person. I used to be- and when I began questioning and researching I was confused and sad and scared. And then I was angry for several years. Very angry. The amazing thing is that no one asked me why I was angry, they just assumed. In fact, I was informed that I was angry with "god". But how could I be angry with something I do not believe exists? No, had I been asked, I would have been able to say that I was angry I had spent so much of my life living for death/afterlife that I missed living much of this life. I was angry with myself for being so happy and willing to go along with what I'd been taught from an early age and not genuinely bening open minded enough to seek answers.

I didn't jump straight from being a fundamentalist Christian to atheism. Far from it. In truth, my initial step away was into Wiccan beliefs. I didn't want to let go of the idea of some sort of an higher power. There is a comfort in being able to believe in something bigger than ourselves, in believing that if we follow said higher power's rules then they will take care of us. But I couldn't agree with all of those beliefs and instead my personal beliefs morphed into more of a pagan hybrid thing. I kept searching for answers and kept hitting that gradually thinning wall of fear. But facts are a funny thing- they don't change based upon our whims or beliefs. They just are.

So it reached a point where despite my greatest efforts, I began to realize I no longer believed that crystals could heal me or that nature was a thing to be worshipped- that was for the ancient people who had no explanations for major natural events so had to create one. But I was still afraid of dying and going to hell. It was that old "what if" question. So I was an agnostic. I would say I didn't believe in a deity but also wasn't convinced that there wasn't one.

It was only recently that I began to challenge that uncertainty. Because there are many, many deities in the world people believe in. How am I so certain that one of those deities does not exist but afraid to release the thought that the deity I had been raised to believe existed does not? And then I realized: I was so afraid of taking that big step away from the comfort of lack of responsibility. If I embraced my lack of belief then I would be making a decision entirely on my own- no big unknown power overseeing things, a great black void when I died.. etc. I'd been gradually moving closer to that realization but to actually be there? It was a time I chose to just rest in pondering. I tentatively tried those new thoughts on, challenged my lack of belief, even asked questions of people who had a variety of different beliefs.

That whole period of time from being a fundamentalist to atheism was a terrifying journey. But on so many occasions since that time I have been hit over the head with how incredibly thankful I am for that journey. I used to say that unbelievers were seeking. That they have a "god-shaped" hole in their lives that can be filled by nothing else. No, as someone who would now be considered a nonbeliever I can say with confidence that I am closer to feeling like a whole person, closer to feeling that deep peace I'd been seeking for so long than I ever was before. I used to be convinced that unbelievers were somehow so obsessed with death and unable to appreciate the beauty of the natural world around them. Oh how very wrong I was! I've been moved to tears by the amazing beauty of the world around me. I love to stand in wind and rain storms and feel the strength of the elements and appreciate what a very small speck I am in the amazing universe. I am obsessed with living! With breathing deep and preserving the earth. I used to believe that unbelievers chose that lack of belief because they wanted to do all forms of sinful things with no consequences. But I have choice just as everyone else does. I also have natural consequences. I don't need the threat of eternal damnation to choose to make positive choices for my health and how I care for the earth and people around me. In fact, I've become more of a humanitarian than I ever was in the past.

Another major change has been my interest in caring for the earth. Before when I would hear about global warming and other major catastrophic issues I would pray and shake my head, thinking that this was a sign of the end times. But I did not overly concern myself- after all, we had a deity watching over us all so this must be part of his grand plan, right? And, I believed the earth would be destroyed anyway to destroy all the evil. Now I must take responsibility, be actively involved in making changes and better choices.

One of the most important changes between my very angry times and now is that I accept people will have different paths to wherever it is they are going. I cannot change people's minds or force them to live their lives. I cannot make them be open to genuinely considering other ideas and beliefs. And I'm okay with that. If someone asks I'll talk with them. If someone states a belief I will comment. But I choose not to attack someone just because they think differently. I was once there and I was a really decent human being.