Dream On

I had not known it was possible to sleep as long as I do and still need more sleep. It's the REM deprivation I am trying to catch up on and it has brought a return of dreams. Yes- I know REM sleep is not where the dreaming happens but that stage has returned in my sleep cycle as well. I'd noticed a lack of dreams but had kind of appreciated it. I tend to have a hard time shaking them when I wake up, even if I can't remember them. Perhaps that is normal! I had a dream last night that my youngest daughter and I were on our way to drop her off at school when we came upon a giant moose in the road at 60 mph and had a terrible wreck. I remember holding her hand, she was terrified and I couldn't hug her because something had impaled my gut. And I remember just being really thankful she was okay but hoping I would live longer to be with them.

Ugh even writing about it, I am seeing her frightened eyes in my mind, and headlights hitting the moose... driving her to school this morning took all my emotional strength! Especially after we passed a moose on the side of the road, eating some birch bark.

I have noticed that my dreams can usually fall under a few simple headings: mundane normal life, things that terrify me, and things I wish for.

Mundane daily life is a confusing thing. I often dream myself through a normal morning routine only to wake confused that I have to do it all over again. Why would my mind go there? Does it enjoy doing those tasks over and over? Does anyone else dream like that? And a crazy thing about this type of dream is that I get feelings of deja vu when I then find myself in the middle of those mundane things I dreamed about. Getting a
shiver while picking up a product at the grocery store because I did it once in my dreams makes me laugh.

Things that terrify me- obviously last night's dream fell under that heading! I had a major one when the kids were little. My son's head was level with the kitchen counters at the time and in my dream I was chopping a salad. Having been raised by a baker and having the belief that giant knives are always the better option drilled into my head, I was using an oversized butcher knife to chop lettuce. I lifted the knife out of the way to talk to one of the kids and following sharp-things-rules I had the knife by the handle, pointed down. And then it slipped just as my son was walking by under it. In my mind's eye I can still see the horrifying image of my son's face, looking shocked, with a knife handle sticking out the top of his precious little head. After that dream I only bought pre-cut lettuce for years. If I was in a jam, I would rip the lettuce or I would ask someone to do the job for me. It was so embarrassing that I didn't tell anyone about it for so long and finally had to force myself to start chopping again until I got past the fear.

But I do believe it hit on a deep fear I still carry. What if I inadvertently mess up my kids? I'm trying to do right by them and be the best mom I can. But I believe its normal to worry. Perhaps not to the extent I took it.... but we have such an important position in their lives. And they are innocent little people. I wanted and still wish for their lives to be as perfect as possible. Now, I just wish for them to know above all that no matter what, their Mom loves them and has their back.

When I dream of things I wish for I always wake up smiling and then have to go through a short little period of acceptance. Perhaps in a dream I am thin and happy, at the little cabin I want to buy someday, with my herd of goats outside making noise while the fire crackles and I spin wool from my sheep that I dyed in bright, happy colors. A special someone is relaxing with some of our home brewed beer. And I can see the details of the little things around the house. Smell the fire... And then the most hideous noise! My alarm. And to waken not thin, my little dog dancing around on top of me wanting to go out... well. You can see how such dreams can be both inspiring and kind of sad! In reality, who knows what my future will hold. I just happen to hope it has some goats, sheep, and lots of knitting and creativity.