The Question of Identity

Recently I have been thinking about where people get their feeling of self, their identity. What makes me feel special and unique? To what ideals, things or facts do I turn when I need validation? The natural progression (for me anyway) in this thought process was to where do I want to find my identity and how do I shift from things, ideals or facts that are not healthy?

For example, some people find their identity in appearance. If they are feeling down it may be because they do not feel attractive for any reason and a new haircut or manicure might be just what they need to feel more secure in themselves. And I see nothing wrong with that- if their sense of identity serves them well! But for some it can spiral into unhealthy obsessions like eating disorders. Some people find their identity in religion. What happens if their religious beliefs let them down?

My life has changed so much over the last few years. I placed great value in my religious beliefs, in being a mother and a wife. So now that I am a divorced woman with children who are rapidly starting to leave the nest, I've been floundering! I also know that I find my worth (or lack thereof) not only in what other people think of me but also in my appearance. And right there we have another issue to consider. It seems as though if our self-worth or identity is found in the approval of others- whether they are our parents, spouses, children, friends, or strangers: we are setting ourselves up to feel really awful. I know this from experience!

I will take this even a step further and say I believe we judge others based upon the things that define our own identities. When I was a very religious person I believed everyone else should be and if they weren't, I was in some way superior. Not that I would have admitted it- but it was there. I would catch myself comparing my appearance to others and even how successful my children were with other people's children. Welcome to crazy town!

Now, as I find myself in a long process of rethinking my core beliefs and identifying issues I wish to change about myself, I am finding that much of this process is identifying and simply being aware of those core beliefs and whether or not they line up with my goals. It seems like this should be simple. Like as soon as I notice I am thinking in a habitual way and that it does not line up with my goals, well then I ought to banish the thought and use affirmations or something to build up a new way of thinking. Maybe it really is that simple for some folks. But that method ignores the gut-wrenching feelings that do leave me all twisted up.

In my spiritual path I wish to be someone who does not judge others but instead focuses on my own issues. I plan to research and surround myself with knowledge about my beliefs so that I can speak clearly if I am asked. I see a need for growth in caring less about what others (especially my family!) think of me and more about what is true, right, and kind. I choose to be kind. I want to base my identity less upon my appearance but place greater value on my health. I choose to encourage my children to be the very best them they can be. They don't need me comparing them or any other children to them: they are fantastic!

Of course that is just a short list of my goals. But I am hopeful that as I successfully alter the things, ideals, and facts from which I glean my own identity, it will help me move closer to being the person I wish to be.

And I get this feeling that I am only comprehending the very tip of this iceberg!